Welcome Guest Blogger: Ryan the Bouncer

What's up everybody? Ryan the Bouncer posting today because Chris asked me to let you in to my world a little bit. The bartenders aren't the only bar employees that you should try to keep happy if you want favors or just if you want to have a fun night without any problems. Trust me, you stay on our good side, we'll make sure you have fun. So, if any of you have ever had a run in with a bouncer at a bar, or wondered why you got kicked out one night, let me offer you a few pieces of advice that will help you stay on the good side of those friendly people who decide whether you stay or go.

Rule #1: If your mom has ever yelled at you not to do something, most likely, bouncers will yell at you as well if they see you doing it. Basically, don't do anything stupid. Stupid is as stupid leaves.

Rule #2: If it doesn't look like you should be somewhere, like a room with the lights off, or a kitchen, most likely, you aren't supposed to be there. Your best bet is to turn around and head the other way. If you need help finding the bathroom, read the sign on the wall or just ask us, it's our job to let you know, and it saves us the hassle of having to chase you down and tell you where the bathroom is anyways.

Rule #3: Speaking of signs, please read the signs. If there is a big sign on the door, most likely it is there to tell you something, like don't take your drink outside, or what the dress code is. Just because you have been drinking doesn't mean you are illiterate - we all passed first grade at one point in time.

Rule #4: Dress code. Yes, some places have dress codes and some don't. If you haven't ever been to a certain bar before, just assume they have a dress code. That way, when you end up getting there and they do, you don't have to go home and change. If they don't have a dress code, well, then you just look like a respectable person.

Rule #5: Don't touch the damn light switches!! Ooh, if you flip it up, the lights go on!! And OH MY!! If you flip it down they go off too!!! Everyone has used a light switch and will know what will happen if you use it. Lights are on or off for a reason, don't mess with them.

Rule #6: If the bouncer asks you to do something, just do it. If you don't, most likely you will find yourself outside quite quickly.

Rule #7: We are paid to make sure you follow the rules. Don't try to pull fast ones on us by skipping lines and such. We've seen everything, and no, you aren't being clever and sneaky about it.

Rule #8: For those of you who have phenomenal fake IDs, this rule is key. DO NOT KEEP YOUR REAL ID AND FAKE ID ON TOP OF EACH OTHER!!! The first thing I look at is what is under the ID you show me when you pull it out of your wallet. If there is another ID, most likely I am just going to tell you to turn around and walk away.

Rule #9: Standing on stuff is never a good idea. Either you fall and hurt yourself or we pull you off and kick you out. Not much good will come of it.

Rule #10: Don't ever try to start a fight with a bouncer. Even if you are bigger than he is, he still has five buddies who are bigger or the same size as him who have been waiting numerous weeks to kick the shit out of somebody. Don't give them an excuse. Plus, it really makes us mad when one of us gets hit. That's when bad things happen to drunken people. That guy you see lying face down in the alley way behind the bar with a broken nose probably tried to start a fight with a bouncer. Oh, and cops almost always take our sides. We aren't drinking and you are which basically makes you wrong.

Rule #11: When it's the end of the night, the lights are on, and the bouncers are asking you to leave, please do so quickly. We've let you know that you will have to leave in the next fifteen minutes, so when that time comes, it shouldn't be hard to evacuate the building. Drink your drink on the way to the door. No, you can't use the bathroom, it's already closed off, and that's why we warned you fifteen minutes ago. No, that hot chick you haven't said anything to all night is most likely not going to go home with you. The longer you stay, the angrier the bouncers get, and an angry bouncer is not a good thing. Remember, we've been working all day and have been dealing with drunken idiots all night. We want to go home and sleep too.
So, take heed these words of wisdom the next time you go to a bar. It'll keep me happy, and if you get on my good side, you just might get let in the side door ahead of the line.